Denise Yates shares 16 tips for schools to work effectively with parents and carers – including some applicable to all, and some of particular relevance for families of children with dual and multiple exceptionalities (DME).

A positive relationship between pupils, parents/carers and professionals is essential for every child and young person in school to ensure they thrive and achieve their personal best. Research studies report time and time again that the benefits which can be realised in school from working well with families range from higher school attendance rates, better academic progress and more effective problem solving to secure solutions to challenges encountered along the way. 

Some practical suggestions for working effectively with parents and carers will apply to every child, regardless of where they live, the type of school they attend, their ability or special educational needs and/or disabilities. They are worth listing to remind professionals of the positive difference getting them right can make to a pupil’s school journey. 

In addition there are other suggestions which, whilst far from unique for families who have children with dual and multiple exceptionalities (DME) – meaning they have high learning potential as well as special educational needs and/or disabilities – can make a disproportionate impact on the positive education, learning and school experience of these pupils at all ages. 

These first eight suggestions are relevant for working effectively with the parents and carers of every pupil:

1. Treat all parents and carers with respect and take their concerns seriously, no matter what they are.

2. Have an open-door policy which recognises the flexibilities the school needs to make to address the different challenges parents and carers face in their day-to-day lives.

3. Be a parent-friendly school and regularly involve parents and carers to review how it can be made more parent-friendly. A named person for parents and carers to contact about specific issues? Easily accessible noticeboards for parents and carers? Parent reps for each classroom? Flexible meeting times? Use of technology? Alternatives to technology for those who cannot access it? Thinking out of the box to engage with parents and carers?

4. Have a jargon-free school or at least an approach which explains the jargon used. Few of us, even in school, understand all the abbreviations we use in our education life. Yet this jargon can exclude many parents and carers who may not feel confident asking what it means. Make it easy for everyone to be on the same page.

5. Develop appropriate meeting frameworks to give parents and carers confidence. Not every parent or carer is used to meetings. Without patronising, outline structures and ask everyone what they want to achieve. Having someone to make notes and circulate these, along with clarity on who will do what and when, can help everyone to understand the agreed action plan.

6. Remain calm and positively problem-solve any challenges parents and carers bring to you.

7. Develop honest relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

8. Involve parents and carers as much as possible as experts on their own child.

Some additional suggestions which are important to remember in working effectively with parents and carers of children with DME:

9. Keep an open mind. DME can present very differently at home than at school. A child who ‘flies under the radar’ or is badly behaved at school may be doing the most amazing things at home without the pressure of having to conform to others’ expectations. Conversely, a child who hits out or suffers from high levels of stress and anxiety at home may be the ‘perfect pupil’ at school and give no cause for concern. You and your pupil’s parents and carers need to work together to build a picture of the ‘whole’ child and then put in place a joint action plan to address areas of individual concern.

10. Listen and learn about DME, what it can look like and how to spot it. By the time many parents and carers come to talk to you about DME, they will have done some research for themselves. Even where they haven’t, some of the things they say may lead you to suspect a child may have DME. When a parent is trying to understand why they see their child’s abilities or ‘flashes of brilliance’ in some areas, whilst they struggle with even the most basic activities in others, your DME alarm bells should be ringing. Make a list of strengths and areas of struggle so you can navigate the DME maze together.

11. Provide parents with customised action plans which use their child’s areas of strength to support their struggles. Taking ‘off the peg’ activities for either pupils with high learning potential or those with SEND will not work. These will often not inspire the child to learn. Many parents and carers start their DME journey in the SEND world, due to such things as the legal structures and frameworks in place (now sorely lacking on a national basis in the gifted and talented world). But ignoring their need for higher-level work delivered at a faster pace can often make a child’s learning journey worse. Negative outcomes can include social, emotional and behavioural problems, school anxiety, phobia and refusal, and worse. Working with parents and carers to meet their child’s higher-level learning needs, whilst providing scaffolding support for areas of struggle, will help you to earn respect and develop positive relationships with parents and carers of DME pupils.

12. Understand that a pupil’s response to their DME may change over time. This will depend on a range of factors, including the child or young person’s levels of resilience, their sensitivities, their abilities and their SEND. For example, in early primary school (or equivalent), a child with DME may have no sense of self or awareness that they may be different from others. In secondary school, without like-minded others to understand, support and celebrate these differences, a child with DME may become isolated and develop social, emotional and mental health problems. These changes need to be recognised and support provided before they become significant problems in the classroom and beyond. 

13. Recognise and celebrate difference in the classroom and beyond. A pupil’s school journey can also be affected by the way they are viewed and treated in school and school philosophy towards such things as inclusivity and celebrating difference. A DME ‘champion’ or mentor for a child, along with a named person with whom parents and carers can consult openly about their concerns, can go a long way to building trust with parents and carers. 

14. Work with parents and carers AND pupils. Many pupils with high learning potential and DME have strong opinions on what they need and how they should be treated. This can make the pupil-parent-professional dynamic quite sensitive, particularly where there is disagreement in approach between, say, pupil and parent. Working effectively with parents and carers alone is not enough and there needs to be a three-way relationship. In such situations, it is important not to blame parents or carers or to identify them as the drivers of a situation, particularly where it is negative and/or getting worse. Behind closed doors, the dynamics may be very different indeed and parents/carers often report their children’s skills and capacity for leading or controlling situations themselves. 

15. Recognise that parents and carers with DME children may come into school as a last resort. They may be at their wit’s end trying to solve the problems they face and their language and behaviour may reflect this. Remember, you may not know what has been going on at home before you meet with the parent or carer. You may also not be aware of a range of things in the parent or carer’s mind before they came to meet you, including their own experiences of or attitudes towards education, their fear or nerves about meeting the professional working with their child and a whole range of other things. If we see behaviour as a form of communication (as many of us do when it comes to pupils) what is the parent or carer trying to communicate through their actions or language? Frustration? Anger at a problem unsolved or not heard? Fear? Listen calmly and see through this to problem-solve solutions which can be tested in partnership.

16. Be honest. Whilst solutions can be found – where there is a will – to most problems we face in education, sometimes the preferred option is not viable in a particular school setting. Where this is the case, although it may not seem like it at the time, honesty about what can or cannot be done to support a pupil is often the best policy. This gives parents and carers the chance to think about alternative solutions, including moving to another school where needs can be better met. This should not be seen by anyone as failure but as the mature outcome of a positive relationship between families and professionals. 

In the past, parents and carers were told what was going to happen to their child in school. Then they were consulted. Then, a few years ago we had parental engagement. We now have coproduction. Developing clear policies and practices about how parents, carers and pupils will have a voice and involvement in decision-making makes sense for all families (including those which have DME children), will benefit everyone and should be actively encouraged and supported.

Read more: 12 steps to maximise the potential of pupils with DME in the classroom

About the author
Denise Yates has worked in education and training for over 38 years with a focus on enabling all individuals to maximise their potential. After 10 years as CEO of Potential Plus UK, she left in 2017 to pursue her passion, which could be summarised as ‘hidden potential’ – focusing on supporting children and young people with DME, those with mental health problems and those who have been failed by the system, for whatever reason. Denise is currently a Board member of The Potential Trust, Nisai Education Trust and Potential In Me. She is also an adviser with Citizens Advice in her local area. 

Denise Yates is co-author with Adam Boddison of The School Handbook for Dual and Multiple Exceptionality, and author of the new book Parenting Dual Exceptional Children. You can follow her on Twitter @DeniseYates_

Special offer: To benefit from a 20% discount on Denise Yates’ new book, Parenting Dual Exceptional Children, enter discount code Yates20 when purchasing the book from the Jessica Kingsley website by 31 August 2022.